


vienna waltz

by rintsumu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Space, Angst, Character Death, Dancing, Days Repeat, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Love Confessions, M/M, MORE parentheses, Not Proofread, Past Character Death, Reminiscing, Repetition, Sad Ending, cz im cool, i should be stopped someone take brackets away from me, i think, just be safe there's seriously so much death in this, might've forgotten some tags uh sorry, quite a lot. like a lot of that shit oh dear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27471250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rintsumu/pseuds/rintsumu
Summary: iwaizumi hajime dies at 23.08pm on sunday 3rd october, 2145.he knows this, because it repeats until he changes something. it might have something to do with oikawa tooru- who dies at 23.07pm on sunday 3rd october, 2145.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 8
Kudos: 23





	vienna waltz

**Author's Note:**

> hiya :) not many notes to preface this w, just, be careful, i know i've used the tag of legend "major character d//th" but when i say it i mean it, there is really so much reference to d//th(and a little bit to s//cide) in this even if it doesn't happen explicitly(?) until quite near to the end, so take care of yourself if you're sensitive to that oki? if you choose to keep going i hope you enjoy <3  
> (ps! the title isnt really relevant to the story, i just... thought.)

_8 hours to oxygen depletion._

_"iwa-chan!"_

_oh. it's happening again._

_"iwa-chan! get up!"_

for the third time in a row, iwaizumi hajime starts his day by rubbing his eyes, opening them slowly and flinching as the light seeps in too quickly anyway. he turns his head to the side, and, like both times before, oikawa tooru is sitting at his side, a disastrously wonderful smile on his face. it's wide and displays his teeth, not fake like hajime used to see(when there were more people than just them on board). it makes his pulse quicken; increasing unhealthily, but that's also nothing new. it might've been going on longer than the days he's been repeating.

but the smile can't hide the fact that the bags under his eyes aren't easing up(not that, upon waking up on the same day three times over, hajime expected that kind of change). the smile can't hide the fact that he's tired, that they both are. 

that they feel like the only ones left, and that for all they know, they could be. 

_it doesn't change that it's beautiful, though,_ he thinks, and it comes naturally. he's hardly scared of fucking things up, because it's hard to genuinely believe that things could get worse than being the only two men left on a space station with engine and oxygen problems(that neither of them are qualified to fix) hurtling directionlessly on a collision course with nowhere.

_"you look lovely this morning, tooru."_

there's no harm in the compliment, no matter how tooru chooses to take it, because as the day replays again, hajime is well aware that these are the last few hours he'll ever have with him, even if they play over and over until he changes something meaningful. it's not as though he knows what to change, but somehow the certainty that he'll be back here "tomorrow" lessens whatever fear he had within him. he can say anything he wants to tooru, because he knows he'll have to change actions instead of words.

(this is not a fact. it's an assumption that he's working based on.)

tooru's cheeks pink prettily, and hajime quickly establishes that he ought to start this morning with that compliment, because he looks so sweet. if hajime didn't have any of his carefully retained self-control he'd have pulled tooru into his arms and not let him go for the entire day(he tries not to think about how that would end for them both, but if he does think about that by accident, well, _it sounds like a comfortable way to go._ )

_"what do you want to do, iwa-chan?"_

his voice is bright, barely. he sounds fragile, breakable, but not for the first time hajime is impressed at how well he holds himself together, even when he's so clearly overrun by fear. hajime isn't sure if it's tooru's natural stubbornness and refusal to give in, or if he's clinging to the idea that they'll be fine, that they'll live, that they'll fix the ship and return to earth. neither of them know the slightest about engineering, nor about map charting. they'll never get back on course to earth, that's one thing that they both know(even if they refuse to say it aloud; out of hope or fear is unimportant, because they both know that it's true). hajime knows how much tooru loves aliens, wants(wanted?) to discover them, take home that knowledge. he often entertains the idea of them abandoning the ship- it doesn't have enough oxygen left to sustain them for long, anyway, this he knows well; has discovered twice- to venture to some nearby planet. to see if they could see aliens, so even when they inevitably still die in space, at least tooru will be happy. 

after all, he was on board the ship as a scientist in his official capacity, though he also comfortably served as their brightest member. it seems a little funny that now the only person he has left to comfort aside from himself is hajime, who's accepted easily that today is the last day they'll spend together, even if they spend it together many times over.

_"i don't know, tooru. is there anything you want to do?"_

tooru lays his head in hajime's lap, catching him off guard but not significantly, since he'd become very used to the way that tooru naturally gravitated towards physical contact. he runs his fingers through tooru's hair and looks at his slightly tensed eyebrows, moving his thumbs there to give them a light massage, to ease away the worry that was building itself there. tooru hums easily at it, the stress melting beneath hajime's fingers, tension dissipating, and he speaks softly.

_"not really, iwa-chan. can we eat something?"_

the normality is something that hajime's noticed tooru tries to cling to, and he moves his hands back to tooru's hair, ruffling it softly and chuckling a little in his own attempt to mirror that. he pushes tooru out of his lap(ignoring an indignant noise that he knows is fake), stands up and stretches a little, offering his hand to tooru to help him up. tooru huffs but says nothing, accepting the hand and pulling himself up so viciously that hajime almost falls down again with a surprised "ah!", which tooru does not hesitate to make fun of him for as they walk to the dining area.

vast and long corridors could be confusing to hajime if he hadn't spent years learning the ins and outs of the ship before its launch(which could've been two years ago or twenty, because it feels as though he's known tooru for forever, or maybe for longer than that). 

caught up in conversation with tooru( _with_ , as he checks his makeshift watch, _roughly eight hours left until he'll suffocate for the third day in a row_ ) the only thing on his mind is whatever he's saying. truthfully it's in through one ear and straight out of the other, but tooru's excitement is more than enough to make up for the fact that hajime doesn't have a clue what he's talking about whatsoever. if tooru notices this, he doesn't really mind anyway. his enthusiasm rubs off on other people, and if that's enough to make them feel better than he does, it's enough to improve his mood too. 

their hands are locked, and that fact is grounding enough for hajime to forget his and tooru's imminent death. the small things don't usually help him, but somehow coupled with tooru's excitement, he feels himself focusing on it quite intensely. if it were enough for him to know that he has these moments, even with what he knows is coming, he'd smile fully at what tooru says, right through to his eyes. it isn't. 

the moments would mean everything if he wouldn't have them over and over for an unspecified number of days. they could finish today, or ten years into the future. they'll definitely come to an end, hajime just doesn't know when that will be.

heaven would be if he could enjoy them to their fullest without his mind heavily weighed on, but he can't. he can't exactly liken right now to hell either, though, because his hand is in tooru's, cold in warm, and tooru squeezes gently every so often, in a silent reassurance against something that he's not even sure of. it surprises hajime how mature he is- not that he's not 26 years old, it's only that he could be so petty with their crewmates(their _old_ crewmates, hajime reminds himself, as much as it hurts to do). he seems to have grown, now that it's only them. or maybe he's just working on autopilot out of fear, but either way hajime is glad that he isn't bawling.

the issue is that he can't call this the middle ground between heaven and hell, because that's earth. 

trapped as he is, he feels the furthest from earth that he's ever been. his breath quickens, he gets a slight nausea and he loses his balance just a little, dizzy. despite acceptance, it's still so difficult to process that he'll never see his family again. tooru is all he has left- and realistically, he isn't sure that he could've asked for anybody better to be stuck here with- but he misses them. 

he's quite certain about his death; he's already been through it twice, after all. he rips his hand from tooru's(who, to his credit, instantly turns attentive, fussing over hajime as though he were a child- hajime briefly wonders if he remembers which one of them is the health professional) and slides down against the wall. his chest tightens and it's all he can do to keep his suddenly very quickly rising tears at bay as the feeling comes forward again, and he knows he isn't dying yet but whatever he's experiencing feels exactly the same. his breath comes short and heavy and he shakes a little and all he can notice is how similar it feels to the complete lack of oxygen in his system. the suffocation feels vile even if it isn't yet real. 

tooru's still-warm hand finds his and he grabs it tightly, ignoring that only seconds ago(though it feels like minutes, hours) he was desperate to get rid of that hold. now it feels like all he's got; tooru's all he's got. 

but he has him. and as his breathing is resetting, slowing down to normal, he counts things he has left that he's grateful for, and if the only thing left on his list is tooru because he's all that he has, that's fine, because at least he still does. 

he laughs just slightly as he stands again, a little wobbly on his feet, and tooru wraps an arm around his shoulders, pushing him down to keep him up. hajime is grateful that tooru doesn't ask, and they don't make conversation as they walk the rest of the way to the dining area. the only words spoken a soft _"thank you."_ from tooru. he doesn't respond other than a small smile, but it's enough. 

-

_ 6 hours to oxygen depletion. _

_"iwa-chan, i'm so bored!"_

_"mm."_

_"are you listening?"_

_"course."_

_"no you're not!"_

_"am."_

_"are not!"_

_"you said you're bored and asked if i was listening."_

_"okay, you're right! so?"_

_"so... what do you mean so, tooru? you were wrong!"_

tooru huffs but makes no attempt to refute the claims, and hajime laughs softly, not opening his eyes to look up at tooru's(no doubt jokingly indignant) expression from where his head lays in his lap, in an exciting but not unpredicted change of positioning from just after hajime woke up(on the same day, for the third time). 

_"doesn't change that i'm bored."_

_"no, i guess it doesn't."_

tooru huffs again, and hajime feels his heart swell slightly, still not looking. 

_"iwa-chan! you're meant to come up with some revolutionary thing that we could do!"_

_"i can't think of anything. i'm bored too."_

(he's not really, he's perfectly comfortable where he is, and their conversation is mildly entertaining. and if it isn't, well, at least it's enough to take his mind off the fact that- he checks his watch- they're going to die in _6 hours. again._ )

_"we could talk about our feelings."_

hajime splutters and opens his eyes, launching himself out of tooru's lap and turning to eye him suspiciously. 

_"why the hell would we talk about our feelings?"_

_"why wouldn't we?"_

there's a sense of confidence about him, and hajime struggles to tell if it's real or not. he doesn't seem closed off, which is a little confusing because hajime saw way more of tooru like this a few weeks ago(when they had takahiro, and issei, and akira, and yuutarou, and shinji, and kentarou, and shigeru. they don't anymore. the absence is more than noticeable, and it has been for weeks. hajime wonders if tooru feels lonely- but that's a stupid thought, because of course he does, because so does hajime. it's hard to admit that just having tooru isn't enough when he's trying so hard to hold them both together). 

_"are you trying to get something out of me?"_

_"pfft."_ tooru pauses, and hajime raises an eyebrow- _"of course i'm trying to get something out of you! you're so secretive! it doesn't feel like you tell us- i mean, me- anything."_

(hajime doesn't miss the way that tooru gulps a little when he has to correct himself, doesn't miss the brief glassy sheen that covers his eyes, because hajime feels the same way, they both have for weeks.)

_"you don't have to correct yourself."_

tooru gives him an odd look, and hajime breathes in heavily.

_"about how many of us there are. maybe they're not... physically here, but we'll always be seijoh, tooru. we'll always be #8. it won't change just because... it just won't change."_

they sit in silence, but hajime notes the way that tooru seems to try to collect himself. it doesn't really work, and instead he moves to sit on the floor(hajime wonders if that's at all comfier than the dining area chairs- it's definitely dirtier, either way) and leans his forehead against hajime's legs. petting tooru's hair feels natural, so hajime does it, and tooru leans into his touch just a little. 

_"do you miss them, iwa-chan?"_

he's a little incredulous that tooru has to ask.

_"of course i miss them. they were important to our team."_

_"you know i didn't mean like that."_

hajime sighs softly, because he knows that through this tooru is indirectly getting what he wants- a talk about their feelings- but if he's getting to be honest, he doesn't really mind. with 6 hours left to live( _for the third time in a row,_ he notes, though being constantly aware of the metaphorical ticking clock over his head is haunting and exhausting) it doesn't seem to matter all that much if he lets tooru into his heart.

_"constantly."_

_"is that all? don't you have anything else to say?"_

_"i'm not going to cry when i have 6 hours to live. why can't i just enjoy it instead?"_

_"6 hours?"_

_it isn't important or not whether tooru knows_ , hajime reasons, _and anyway- it isn't just me dying, so is he. it's only fair._

_"yeah. 6 hours. oikawa tooru, 26, deceased- 23.07pm, sunday 3rd october 2145. iwaizumi hajime, 26, deceased- 23.08pm, sunday 3rd october 2145."_

_"how do you know?"_

_"i've already lived through this day twice."_

it seems insane, outlandish, even to hajime, who knows it's true. 

tooru doesn't comment really, but hajime wasn't exactly expecting him to. tooru isn't quite like any of their former crewmates, and it's somewhat admirable, but it feels strange when you expect one response and get another- at least at first. after training with him since they were 17 and sharing a ship with him for 4 years, hajime likes to think he can quite comfortably read tooru, even if he can't predict how he'll respond to something. 

_"that's morbid, iwa-chan."_

_"mm. yeah, i guess."_

tooru leans further into hajime's hand in his hair. hajime gets off the seat, and tooru whines a little, and hajime sits down in his lap. tooru seems satisfied with this level of contact, and he wraps his arms around hajime's middle, leaning his chin into hajime's shoulder. it stings a little, but hajime's comfortable other than that, and he makes no effort to change their seating arrangement. 

(if he's honest with himself and with his racing heart, he's more than comfortable with it anyway- tooru is warm where hajime isn't, and the fact that he's still alive and staying with hajime means more to him than he'd like to think about, maybe ever. tooru has always been there for hajime, and hajime isn't sure how he's earned that, but he's sure as hell not complaining, because if he was in the right frame of mind to be a complete and utter sap- maybe, just maybe, tooru is the best thing to ever happen to him.)

-

_4 hours until oxygen depletion._

_"you know something, iwa-chan?"_

_"hm?"_

hajime hums noncommittally. they haven't moved much since a few hours ago other than tooru getting a glass of water(hajime suspects that secretly he fell asleep on his shoulder, but if he did he'd never tell tooru that he knows). 

_"you're pretty boring."_

hajime gasps dramatically at this, and instantly catches himself(it's something tooru would do). he turns to glare at tooru, but he's thwarted before he can begin his counterattack, because the look on his face means that tooru _knows_ how accidentally hajime just copied his mannerisms.

_"ooh, you wanna be me so bad, don't you."_

hajime groans and leans back into tooru's chest.

_"yeah, you wanna be just like me. exactly like me. you're copying me by accident! you wanna be me, ooh, you do."_

he gets the feeling this won't let up for a while.

-

_3 hours until oxygen depletion._

_"iwa-chan?"_

hajime sighs by way of an answer. tooru's teasing let up a little while ago, but honestly, the silence was relaxing. 

_"do you want to dance with me?"_

_"dance with you? how the hell would we dance?"_

_"want to know a secret?"_

the topic change is disarming, as most things with tooru are.

_"sure."_

_"i've got a music box in my room. i don't know what the piece is called, but if you remember my mother-"_ he pauses to sigh wistfully, and hajime understands, because it's difficult to accept that you'll never see somebody again- _"if you remember her, she'd always tell me it was one you were meant to waltz to."_

_"tooru,"_

_"hm?"_

_"i don't know how to waltz."_

tooru grins conspiratorially.

_"neither do i."_

_-_

_2.5 hours to oxygen depletion._

_"ouch, iwa-chan!"_

_"it's not my fault! neither of us know how to dance! in what galaxy was this a good idea?"_

tooru groans a little, pulling his foot out from underneath hajime's heavier one for the umpteenth time in the past twenty minutes. he pulls fully away from hajime, who laughs a little, and sends a glare his way. sitting on the bed, he takes off his shoe and begins to massage his foot(as a medical professional, hajime can say with certainty that it was a subpar massage, and it likely made tooru's foot hurt worse- though his face refused to let this on). 

_"it looks so easy in the movies!"_

hajime laughs again, louder this time, a wide grin on his face, and tooru's scowl softens a little. hajime isn't really sure what that means or how to interpret it, but it's somehow comfortable in a way that he isn't really sure he understands(and in turn, isn't sure if he's meant to understand, or if he wants to). 

_"iwa-chan?"_

his tone changes, but hajime has come to expect nothing less of tooru. he has a habit of being very much influenced by whatever comes to his mind, and it's always noticeable. hajime doesn't want to brag about something that he definitely isn't supposed to, but he's proud of the fact that tooru has always been a little more open with him than their other crewmates when it came to what was on his mind.

(not that there's anybody left to brag to, since the only living people on the ship are him and tooru anyway. the thought stings, but he doesn't let it overtake his mind, because while in some ways tooru holds him together, held their crew together, he knows that conversely, he's all that tooru's able to hold onto right now.) 

_"what galaxy do you think we're in right now?"_

_"i'm not a space professional, but i think it'd take us light years to leave the milky way."_

tooru sighs, and his face, turned towards the window, betrays nothing for hajime to read into(but maybe that's more because he can't see half of it). 

_"are they out there, iwa-chan? takahiro and issei, and akira and yuutarou, and shinji, and shigeru, and kentarou. are they out there?"_

_"of course they're out there, tooru."_

tooru's eyes are glistening when he turns to face hajime, who notices this with a soft- _"oh,"_ \- and rushes to the bed to hold tooru in his arms. tooru doesn't cry loudly; doesn't sob, but hajime knows that he is, because he can feel his shirt sticking to his shoulder where tooru's face is leaning into it. 

_"how do you know?"_

_"we turn into stars when we die. that was what my mum used to say."_

tooru hums a little as hajime pushes him down into a laying position. he curls up into his side and hajime wraps his arms around his torso naturally, knowing that tooru would've muscled his way into his arms anyway if he hadn't. 

(one time, hajime inquired about this, and tooru told him simply- _"your arms are warm, iwa-chan. they make me feel safe. in some ways, you're like my home away from home, huh?"_ and he'd turned away, laughing, as though he were meant to make no more of it than that. issei and takahiro had laughed at him at the time, told him that he was blushing. if he was, it was none of their business, and he'd definitely told them as much. the memory is fond, but pulls a knot tight in his stomach as he thinks of how close they used to be before- well, just before.)

 _vienna blood waltz_ by johann strauss ii plays them through into a soft sleep. 

-

_1.5 hours to oxygen depletion._

_"hey, iwa-chan?"_

his voice sounds a little raw, and hajime makes a mental note for when(if?) they leave the room again, to make sure that he drinks a glass of water, to replace what he lost from his body from crying. 

_"yeah?"_

_"i don't think that i want to be a star."_

hajime isn't surprised to hear something like that, it just feels odd. he isn't sure how to respond, because the thing with tooru is that could mean two wildly different things. it could mean 1- the surface level option; he genuinely wouldn't like to be a star, or 2- he's scared of dying. 

_"oh?"_

_"yeah... i think when i die i'd want to do something cool, you know? like... meet aliens."_

( _oh. it was both._ )

_"why?"_

_"i know they're out there, iwa-chan! i just need proof..."_

_"you'll get proof one day, tooru."_

_"before i die?"_

he gasps suddenly, and pulls hajime's shoulders. he forces his eyes open, the peace he'd established after lying still for an hour( _wasting another hour of his time left with tooru, again_ ) broken.

_"iwa-chan! did i meet aliens when you lived today the other two times?"_

_"you made me uncomfy for this?"_

_"it's important, iwa-chan!"_

_"no, sorry."_

_"dammit... maybe i'll just have to change today tomorrow."_

_"why not today?"_

_"it's too late for that, iwa-chan! how many hours do we have left?"_

_"one and a half."_

_"see! so i've got to do it tomorrow."_

_-_

_half an hour to oxygen depletion._

_"iwa-chan?"_

_"yeah?"_

tooru mumbles something quietly, and hajime doesn't catch it at all.

_"hm?"_

_"i said, can we go... see their rooms? before we..."_

he trails off, sentence growing more hushed with each word. he doesn't seem to want to finish it- hajime can understand, and he wouldn't like to force him to(so of course, he won't).

_"yeah."_

they didn't sterilise any of their rooms because nobody technically died in them, but they did block them off. hajime opens the door to takahiro's room and it doesn't smell of anything in particular. nobody's entered in a while, but all of his things are perfectly preserved(aside from his desk plant, which was mandatory to have for some reason- but takahiro's was one of the only two which stayed alive for longer than a few weeks, so it somehow felt wrong in that moment to not have attempted to save any living thing that was tied to him, but it was far too late for hajime to do anything for this plant. takahiro had named it "makki"- when tooru asked why he'd named it after himself, he said _"it's already a flower, so i should only name it a little bit after me, right?"_ he didn't get many laughs for that one, but hajime is very sure that he heard issei stifling hysterics just outside the room).

tooru seems to notice "makki" wilting on the desk also, and with a gasp he rushes to it, his face crumpling as he realises that the plant is well and truly dead, with no hope of revival.

_"he kept it alive out of luck, and you know that, tooru."_

hajime swallows thickly to stifle the tears that grow in his eyes. he knows that what tooru's feeling is the same sense of responsibility for it that he is, so it's obviously not his place to be saying when he feels the exact same way, but one of them has always got to keep the other from getting caught up, and tooru is quite clearly very vulnerable and not able to do that right now(so the role is hajime's). 

_"yeah, i just... we could've saved it."_

tooru doesn't need to say that he's talking about takahiro and not the plant. hajime doesn't need to respond out loud. they both know those things. 

hajime has to leave the room to take a breath of air, properly fill his lungs, as he feels the past wash over him in a wave of heavy nausea. 

the plant isn't(wasn't?) really just takahiro's dumb luck in that room, because it was also his humour, and attempts to brighten any situation, and hard work as their map charter. and it wasn't just him, because was also issei's tenacity to continue to water it after takahiro passed, and now hajime understands why properly; issei was trying to cling onto the only living thing that he had left that was related to takahiro. hajime wishes that he would've understood earlier, because then he wouldn't feel now like he had let them both down by not trying harder for "makki". 

the room feels bitter to go back into, because the more hajime thinks about it, the amount of time that issei used to spend in takahiro's room was far longer than anybody would need to water a plant. _oh,_ realises hajime, quite belatedly, _he probably cried in here. a lot._ and the more that's on his mind the less he can go back into the room whose former residents were his best friends who he _didn't try hard enough for._

his throat feels tight and he slides against the wall(this feels startlingly similar to what had happened in the hallway, except now tooru is inside their dead best friend's room, suffering too, and not by hajime's side). 

tooru doesn't speak when he leaves the room, just sits next to hajime and leans his head onto his shoulder from the side. hajime slides a wary arm around him and tooru shuffles into it, a little closer but it means the most to hajime in the moment. 

he doesn't need to say anything as he offers hajime a hand to stand, and hajime considers pulling him down to mimic what tooru did to him earlier. but that would shatter the fragility of the atmosphere, and somehow hajime feels like they both need to experience this(even with- he checks his watch for what feels like the twentieth time that day, though in reality it can't be more than the sixth- _twenty five minutes to live._ )

issei's room is startlingly more silent than every time hajime and tooru have been there before, but that's probably because it was issei that was loud, not the room. issei that was fun, not the room. it feels empty without him, and hajime doesn't want to speak, doesn't want to hear it echo with their voices instead of his. his ears would start to ring painfully. he'd probably cry again. the last person to say anything in his room should be him. 

(they're both thinking it, even if they know that the last person to say anything in his room was shigeru- _"i want him back,"_ about two weeks ago, and about one week before he left them too. shigeru and issei weren't exactly close, but issei was an important member of their crew and a good friend to everyone. hajime hadn't responded, but he heard tooru whisper outside the door- _"yeah, so do i."_ if the circumstances had been different, hajime wonders if issei would've laughed at them for being so soft for him.)

_"it's weird in there without him, huh?"_

tooru tries to joke as they leave the room. they have twenty minutes until they won't be able to breathe anymore, and the oxygen in the air is already thinning just a little. hajime notices it in the way that he has to gulp deeper for the same volume of air. tooru looks at him with soft concern as his breaths become audible, then notices his own are the same and makes no comment, but hajime can read the fear in his eyes as he turns away. 

they both speak only in whispers as they reach shigeru's room.

_"hi, backup captain. you would've been amazing."_

hajime almost leaves the room to let tooru have his talk with shigeru's room- it feels personal, he wouldn't like to intrude- but tooru grabs his hand, and hajime stays. 

_"you can live through us, if you want. you never seemed to mind not doing anything as long as we were. though, i guess that isn't too helpful if we'll be dead soon, huh?"_

tooru's grip grows strong, and it hurts hajime's hand, but he squeezes back. tooru's talking to his dead friends, and he's coming to terms with how he'll die soon(in 15 minutes). he needs to know that hajime is there. 

it's weird to experience. hajime never knew shigeru that well, but he was a good kid, and he was really close with tooru(they spent a lot of time together- in the event that something would happen to tooru, shigeru would take over as captain of the ship, so tooru taught him lots about how to be a captain. also about how to be insufferable sometimes, it would seem, as shigeru abruptly mastered controlling their most volatile member, kentarou, and hajime wonders what tooru taught him, but it isn't really important. it seems kind of ironic in a way, that tooru is left while something happened to shigeru instead, but he doesn't laugh, because it isn't funny, just ironic). 

hajime focuses on everything except what tooru says, because it's still personal, even if tooru wants him there. 

he's not surprised to see shigeru's bed made, because he was always organised(even on the day he died, though to be fair he did have it planned, so he had an advantage over the others). everything in his room is packed neatly, and hajime is quite certain that if they opened any of the draws in the room, there would be some sort of order to whatever was in there.

(hajime doesn't want to open them, because no matter how ordered the room is, he can't get the image of a dead shigeru, blood down his shirt from a knife in his abdomen, out of his head. he can't get rid of the idea that he'd been planning it for months. can't get rid of the idea that he failed shigeru by not being able to help him. that there's things in his drawer that might be related to it. to when he found him. they don't use that bathroom anymore.)

they turn to kentarou's room after that, because it's right next to shigeru's. 

in the direct converse of the room they were just in, kentarou's room is messy. there's clothes strewn across the floor(not to mention his bedding) and his desk is full- mostly of unopened books that he'd ask to borrow from hajime. kentarou wasn't exactly studious, but he seemed concerned about his physical condition. hajime knows that no matter what kentarou said, his worst time on the ship was when he'd sprained his ankle outside it and hajime had declared him banned from anything similar for two weeks until it was fully healed, and kentarou had worked hard to avoid anything like that again. hajime's not entirely surprised to see the books closed, but whether that meant that he'd read them fully or had never started them, hajime can't tell(because it was difficult to do with kentarou while he was alive, let alone when he isn't).

neither of them have much to say. kentarou was always silently respectful to hajime, but they didn't know each other entirely well. he didn't have any parting words for the boy when he'd gone outside to try to force them back on course(and had died the same death they were about to, again). he still doesn't have any words for him. they stand quietly for a little, before tooru says,

_"you were kind of a bitch, kyouken-chan, but for what it's worth... i'm proud of you, and thanks."_

and hajime thinks that it sums up quite well how he feels, so they leave the room for the cadet quarters.

shinji's room is nothing special. it isn't empty, but most definitely not full. he has close to no personal items.

_"you were always there to save us. i'm sorry we couldn't save you."_

tooru turns his head in surprise at hajime's words, but nods his head in an agreement. there's not much to say other than that. shinji was crucial to their team, never loud but always helpful. small maintenance issues were his expertise. he kept the ship running. not a big presence, but a necessary one. 

akira and yuutarou's empty room hurts to see the most, because they were so young. no matter how close the two of them were to takahiro and issei, it's still hard to believe that the two cadets were last-minute additions to their crew. young as they were(and tired, on akira's part), they did their best to prove that they'd earned their place on the ship. 24 years old isn't young, but everyone older than them on the ship thought of them as younger brothers, and wanted to protect them.

everything is neatly organised, not quite so forcefully as in shigeru's room but there's definitely the absence of any mess close to the one kentarou had created. 

tooru doesn't say anything, he just climbs to the top bunk of their bed and wraps himself in yuutarou's duvet. 

(hajime's watch reads that they have five minutes left as he climbs the ladder himself, and as tooru opens the cocoon that he's wrapped around himself for hajime to get in, it turns to four.)

-

_one minute to oxygen depletion._

_"will we meet aliens, iwa-chan?"_

tooru's voice is strained, because they're not dying yet but there's barely any breathable air left. 

and hajime gasps suddenly, because it's hard to tell with tooru when what he says is surface-level or has a deeper meaning, but hajime, who prides himself on reading tooru(but is secretly not amazing at it either) knows that it doesn't just mean tooru knows he's going to die. it's a question, but it isn't just asking him if they'll meet aliens.

tooru says _"we"_. tooru wants to go wherever they're going next with hajime. tooru wants to die next to hajime.

tooru doesn't have to tell hajime _"i love you,"_ , and maybe hajime's always known it anyway. tooru doesn't have to put those words together in that order, because hajime, vision blurred from lack of oxygen but also clearer than ever, knows that it's what tooru means.

_"i love you, tooru."_

he whispers it, not that he could've made a louder noise if he wanted to. tooru's eyes, glassy; unfocused; losing light, glow brightly before fading out entirely. a smile is on his face as his head falls onto hajime's shoulder, and hajime wonders how he managed it when he was in so much pain.

hajime's chest seizes heavily, and letting go here is maybe the easiest thing that he's ever done.

whether or not he's back here tomorrow(he's quite sure that he will be), there was no harm in saying it. he doesn't care.

tooru's dead. hajime's about to be.

his breaths are heavy and unstable, laboured. he struggles to pull in oxygen, primarily because there's none available. if shigeru were alive, they might've stood a chance. he might've been able to fix at least their oxygen tanks. they've been steadily leaking into space for weeks.

hajime's head goes light as he crosses the one thing left he had to be grateful for- tooru- off of his list.

then his eyes shut, and it's over.

-

_1 hour post-oxygen depletion._

_"iwa-chan!"_

except that doesn't come.

iwaizumi hajime's day doesn't repeat.

iwaizumi hajime's eyes do not open again.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first proper attempt at "angst"(if this can be called that) in like, ages cz i was never good at it, so uh, if it's shit just lmk and i will do this approximately never again SKDJHGF,, but it's my personal belief that Every Author Has Attempted It so  
> other than that i hope this was of an alright standard? i was trying to go for bittersweet but i genuinely have no clue if that carried through dkfjghfj,, uhm,,   
> hope you have a good day/evening and sleep well(or smn)!  
> -kye(??)


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